Too Much of Life

Beauty, comfort, cosmic purring, and cheesecake.

I have thought a lot this week about beauty or attractiveness, how the pursuit of it can often negatively dictate our sartorial choices, influencing the way we present ourselves to the world in a misguided attempt to be loved, seen, and accepted. I know I have certainly been guilty of this before.

I have only recently made peace with the fact that I will never truly know what I look like to other people; this thought can be both liberating and terrifying. Through these limits of my perception, I have learned that beauty ultimately comes down to how I feel. I have found that when people are confident and at ease, they exude a sort of ungraspable and undefinable beauty, and while a fair amount of this comes from a deep foundation of self-assurance, that confidence can also come from the clothes they wear and the way they choose to wear them.

A lot of my personal style icons are women forty and up, and I think this is because a lot of them are first and foremost guided by principles of comfort and practicality. There is also a confidence and deliberateness to the way they hold themselves, something that can often only be achieved through years of living. The truth is, if I am not comfortable it doesn’t matter how cute the outfit is; the discomfort is the only thing I can see, and it often keeps me from being fully present and enjoying myself in the moment. When I dress only for myself and prioritize my comfort, I believe that shows too, although not in the way one might think.

Anette Bening holds sandwiches, Jane Birkin at Hermès Spring 2000, Meryl Streep in The Hours, Lauren Hutton sharing a cigarette, Katherine Hepburn making a list and Diane Keaton being Diane Keaton.

When I say “comfort”, I mean clothes that feel good to you and you alone. This definition of comfort differs for each person and is in no way definitive. What you feel good in is for you to decide, and “comfort” is far too often conflated with “ugly”, particularly when it comes to the trends pushed on those who identify as women. But being comfortable and having style are not mutually exclusive, and I think if I had learned that sooner I could have cut through years of awkward and performative dressing. Joan Didion is a prime example of this with her decisive and practical packing list. Didion worked at Vogue for some time so she of course had naturally chic tendencies. But her craft always came first – style came second. This is what ultimately led to her iconic, effortless style we have all come to know, love and emulate.

In that famous photo of her dolefully smoking a cigarette in front of her Sting Ray, she’s wearing a dress that I have often searched for comparable versions of but never found. Why am I so drawn to it? It is an incredibly simple design, and although the photo is black and white I always imagined it to be a modest tan or khaki color; but it’s the wearer that made it magical. It is her effortlessness and attitude. After years of experimentation and trying to find my own personal style, I have come to the conclusion that for me, it is all about ease and keeping things uncomplicated. As soon as I start to fuss or obsess, the magic disappears and the outfit falls flat. And the irony is that, as soon as I stopped trying to be “chic”, I truly felt chic. Perhaps this came with age, but I think a lot of it had to do with a shift in my mentality in regards to the art of dressing.

I will still occasionally find myself getting dressed through the lens of someone else and not my own. Old habits die hard, and after years of social conditioning and the insinuation that we are only valuable once we are considered beautiful or attractive, it is a difficult feeling to shake. I would like to start asking myself, “who is this for if not for me? Who am I trying to prove my worth to? In what ways am I apologizing for existing by making my appearance tolerable, more pleasing?” Clarice Lispector was well acquainted with these feelings when she wrote this passage from the book Too Much of Life:

“…being obliged to be what people call ‘presentable’ infuriates me. Why can’t I walk around in rags, like the men I sometimes see in the street with a beard down to their chest and a Bible in their hand, those gods who have made madness a way of understanding the world?” – Clarice Lispector

Lispector was acutely aware of the standards women were often held to when it came to their appearance, and the glaring absence of those same standards for men. Despite how progressive we may appear as a society, there are moments when these harmful standards still feel relatively intact today. Of course I am not implying here that we all want to give up and wear rags, but acknowledging that a majority of women would love the opportunity to not be held under quite as much scrutiny. Most women would love to experience the freedom many men feel, like a free man in Paris: unfettered and alive.

Maybe prioritizing your comfort is a radical act, just as empathy has become in an increasingly apathetic, me-first world. Maybe feeling good about yourself the way you are is a way of defying the plethora of industries that profit from our insecurities. Because if you feel good, if you are whole and satisfied, then what is left for you to buy? And doing whatever the hell you want without the worry of surveillance, without the fear of not appearing “presentable” to others, is just one of many ways to reclaim power; to exist freely and unconditionally.

Perhaps we are most captivating when we aren’t thinking about being attractive or presentable at all. When we are existing in our most pure and true forms. When we feel joyful, alive, and completely ourselves. I will leave you with yet another line I love from Clarice Lispector, which she wrote after spending an evening out with a friend in Paris discussing literature and drinking wine until sunrise. After realizing it was almost daybreak they all stumbled home, surely tipsy, disheveled and happy, nearly colliding a flower seller in the street. Her friend then bought her an armful of roses.

“If I’ve ever been pretty, it was on that early Paris morning with roses overflowing from my full-to-the-brim arms.”

✽ Some Things I Loved This Week ~

If it wasn’t already obvious, I have been enjoying Too Much of Life, a compilation of Clarice Lispector’s weekly dispatches she wrote for the Jornal do Brazil. I picked this up at Daunt Books when I was in London, lured in by the bright pink cover but wary of the length. I have finally been in the right headspace for it, and I’m getting through it a lot more quickly than I anticipated. I am loving her charming, bite-sized observations of the world around her.

I saw Suzanne Kraft last weekend at Zebulon and it was so great, and I was impressed by how much heavier the sound was live. About You is one of my favorite albums, but I also love the more atmospheric and ambient tracks like ChaptersAC464.

This Ina Garten recipe for limoncello ricotta cheesecake I found in her book Cooking for Jeffrey. I found this cookbook secondhand not really thinking much of it. Ina Garten is amazing, we all know this, but I didn’t expect to be reaching for this cookbook as much as I have since bringing it home. Every recipe I’ve made from it is delicious and comes out perfectly. I made this cheesecake for Ed’s birthday and it was a hit.

This Cou Cou Intimates slip dress. It’s teeny, it’s cute, it’s perfect for the inevitable heatwaves we will be enduring here in Southern California. I can’t remember where or how I stumbled upon this and I do not own it (yet) but it is at the top of my wishlist. Wear it with a sneaker, a sandal, a little heel! Imagine the possibilities!

This beautiful article from The Atlantic about the discovery of ripples in space and time that explains the entire universe is humming and vibrating to what is described as a “collective purr”.

“…moments like these can and should change how each of us sees our world. All of a sudden, we know that we are humming in tune with the entire universe, that each of us contains the signature of everything that has ever been.” – Adam Frank

The extremely kind humans at Golde recently gifted me a few goodies to try, and I love their ceremonial matcha and Shroom Shield. It has been such a pleasure incorporating the two into my daily routine. I am particularly excited to start making a little ritual of mushroom hot cocoas, perhaps with some homemade marshmallows when I am craving something sweet and comforting.

Lastly, THREADS. I am shocked by how much I am enjoying this silly little app I was sure would be a complete failure, but it’s caught on impressively and I am a fan. Currently it’s in its early stages, not yet infiltrated by influencer marketing and annoying sponsored ads, and it is a beautiful, fun, chaotic place to be because none of us are worrying about how we are being perceived. (see what I did there?)

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I’d love to hear feedback from anyone reading; what you’re enjoying, what you would like to see more of. Please feel free to comment and let me know!

As always, thank you for being here. Until next week. x